Category: Mockery

Fantasy Crisis Line




“Is….is…is this the Fantasy Crisis Line?”

“Uhhhhhhhhh huh huh huh huh huh…..uhhhhhh yeah……please state your fantasy crisis.”

“S-s-s….sometimes I wet the bed. Especially when I play the WHIGs.  It’s even worse in the playoffs! Is…is that normal? How long is it gonna last?? W-w-w…what happens when I get married?!”

“Heh….heh heh….heh heh heh heh….wait a sec….is…is this…is this Stewshirts? Is that you?? Hey Stewshirts!!”

“Oh no!!!”

🎵🎵 “Stewshirts wets his bedddd! Stewshirts wets his bedddd! 🎵🎵

🎵🎵 Da-na-na-na-naaa! Da-na-na-na-naaa!” 🎵🎵

**Voice in background** “Stewshirts! Oh Stewshirts honey! It’s time to take your Pepto! Your diarrhea was out of control last week!”


The righteous. The chosen. The WHIGs.

Here ye, noblemen, serfs, barons of the state and scribes of the church:

Salvation has been delivered.  I have seen The Lord, and He is a WHIG.  He descended upon me this morning while I was praying for the sins of The Establishment to be cleansed.  All of a sudden a thunderous blast parted the sky and He appeared in all his glory, more beautiful than Lincoln himself! “MY CHILDREN” he bellowed. “YOU ARE THE RIGHTEOUS.  THE CHOSEN.  THE ONES WHO WILL FUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW.  THAT IS WHY I MADE THAT STAT CORRECTION.” I couldn’t believe my eyes! I always knew the WHIGS were the team of destiny but now I had proof.  God Himself had bestowed upon us His eternal blessing. “YOUR BURDEN SHALL NOT BE CARRIED IN VAIN.  YOUR PLIGHT WILL BE VINDICATED.  EVERYTHING YOU DO IS AWESOME AND ANYONE WHO DISAGREES IS A DILLHOLE.” I asked The Lord…”my father, what is my purpose? What is the meaning of this life?” God replied…”YOU ROAM THIS EARTH FOR ONE REASON: TO PURIFY THE DAMNED.  TO RESCUE THE UNCLEAN.  TO SPREAD THE GOSPEL OF THE WHIGS.  MY CHILDREN, YOU MUST SAVE THE ABFL FROM THE ESTABLISHMENT RATS.  DO NOT STOP UNTIL YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY TOTAL WHIGGERS.” The Lord then made it rain, as a Righteous God does, and told us to get some high-end hookers and go swimming in a pool full of blow.  God is good.

So you see….when you dissent with the WHIGs, you dissent with God Himself.  We have received The Word and been filled by The Ghost or something.  And now we must save your souls.  Make no mistake…when we die, we will be surrounded by riches and virgins in WHIG heaven…and you can be too! All you have to do is accept us as the class of the ABFL.  Because if you don’t, you will spend eternity in Establishment heaven, which is like the Panda Express of heavens. God told me so.  He said it was a complete shithole and the crab wontons gave Him the runs.

#WHIGway or the highway!